Canadian Super Pigs Invading The United States
An invasive swine nicknamed super pigs are invading the United States, threatening crops and spreading diseases.
No matter who you vote for in general elections across the United States, one thing is certain: we must all unite against the common menace. According to IFL Science, a hyper-virile breed of Canadian super pigs is making a beeline for the American border, hungry for our crops, slathered in disease, and desperate to spread their hoggy evil. These highly intelligent pigs have been wreaking havoc across the frozen tundras of Canada, making them highly invasive and incredibly resistant to extreme weather patterns.
Hogs of this variety are a hybrid breed of domestic pigs and wild boars, resulting in a hyper-intelligent error of god, terrorizing everything and everyone in their path. The super pigs are capable of breeding large litters from a young age, multiple times per year, and their gestation period is among the fastest of all mammals. This causes the swine to spread across the landscape rapidly like Iron Man’s Ultron sentries.
Dr. Ryan Brook, who serves as the lead of the Canadian Wild Pig Research Project for the University of Saskatchewan, noted the pig’s innate ability to survive in extreme conditions and create a vast network of tunnel systems through marshes and snow, causing the pigs to burst forth from their hoggy holes when it’s time to feast.
The hogs aren’t just a menace to wildlife such as turkeys, beavers, and just about anything smaller than a moose; they also spread diseases similar to the avian flu or the novel coronavirus, potentially collapsing society as we know it through their destructive means. If the almighty dollar moves your empathy meter better than the wave of illness these super pigs deliver, it may interest you to know that the creatures deal a staggering $2.5 billion in property damage per year. At this point, it may be prudent to deploy military measures to quell the swine incursion, even if measures of martial law must be taken.
The main question we need to ask ourselves now is, what can we do to quell the threat of impending hog-mageddon? Swine scientists suggest hunting the boars in large numbers. However, the super pigs in question are known to be so intelligent that they can sense when they are in danger, retreating into nocturnal hunting patterns to remain undetected.
Is the only solution for humanity truly to withdraw into safe zones like that of the survivors in HBO’s The Last Of Us, letting the hogs roam the streets like the zombified corpses of our fallen loved ones?
Dr. Brook refers to the super pigs as the worst invasive species known to mankind, which likely makes him a prime target for coordinated hog violence. Luckily for the rest of us, his face-off against the pigs may bide us enough time to fortify our defenses. If you or somebody you love lives along the northern border of the United States, now may be an excellent time to invest in preventative measures to protect yourselves, your pets, and your property, and that’s not hogwash.
