British City Councilman Claims He Has An Alien Space Baby
Yeah, you read that right. Simon Parkes, a 53-year-old politician, claims that about four times a year, he has sex with an alien he calls the “cat queen,” and together they have a child, Zarka.
It’s unclear what his three human children think about their new alien step-it (the gender of the lovechild hasn’t been revealed—if it even has a gender). Parkes says that while his wife wasn’t happy to hear about his extra-terrestrial affair, he’s absolved of guilt because aliens don’t count. Cue new stipulations in the agreements of couples everywhere.
The affair isn’t Parkes’ only alien encounter. In fact, he claims that his mother is an alien—she’s 9 feet tall and has 8 fingers on each hand. So it only makes sense, then, that he was first abducted by aliens when he was a baby and they haven’t left him alone since. He’s a bit vague on the details, simply saying that the aliens use technology he doesn’t understand to power their earth-orbiting spacecraft and that all he does is hold hands with his alien abductor and say, “I’m ready.”
Parkes claims that the aliens can take his soul from his body and put it in one of theirs as part of their plan to create human-alien hybrids. Okay. But…if Parkes’ mother is an alien, then isn’t he already a hybrid? Was his dad a human who, like him, was chosen to get down with an alien a few times a year? Or is his father an alien too? And if his mom is an alien, from whose crib was he getting abducted?
Honestly though, who cares?! This story doesn’t need to make sense to be awesome.
I’ve watched Battlestar Galactica (maybe Parkes has too—a few too many times, perhaps?) so I’m generally down with this hybrid idea. Like the cylons, maybe these aliens “have a plan.” I hope they’ve thought it out a bit better than the toasters, though. I do wonder whether the aliens might not cast their nets a bit wider if they want human specimens for the hybrids. Any suggestions for who should they take?
Damn aliens and their inscrutable plans! Adding a politician to the mix probably doesn’t help.
And speaking of Parkes’ political career, he asserts that these claims haven’t negatively affected his work on the Whitby Town Council. Perhaps he’s doing some amazing interstellar canvassing when he gets abducted. He does, however, think that he’s being followed by members of the secret service who, I’m sure, only want to find the best spot for finding alien babes.
While Parkes acknowledges that some people might think he’s crazy, all skeptics have to do is “follow [him] around for a day” to realize that’s not true. I hope he’s ready for people to take him literally.
