The Star Wars Story That Turns Ewoks Into Monsters

This Star Wars story begins with a former Imperial Stormtrooper trying to enjoy a drink in the local cantina. It doesn’t take long for someone to clock that he is an ex-Imperial, but this recognition doesn’t elicit any fear. Instead, the former soldier gets heckled by the same question that franchise fans have been asking for decades: how the heck could the “cute and cuddly widdle” Ewoks have such an easy time fighting battle-hardened soldiers armed with state-of-the-art technology and weapons?

Star Wars fans who have spent most of their lives asking this same question likely weren’t expecting to ever get an answer to that question. But in this comic, the former Stormtrooper begins telling all who will listen that the Ewoks aren’t the cute little teddy bears everyone thinks they are. Instead, he paints them as murderous monsters who began tormenting the Imperials after a disastrous first contact situation.

We see the cutesy creatures putting flowers in the soldiers’ blasters in a kind of Star Wars homage to the frequent behavior of American hippies. Like the horrific Kent State massacre involving the Ohio National Guard, the troopers end up opening fire on the Ewoks. In turn, the pint-sized aliens treat this as a declaration of war, and they begin attacking Imperials in a variety of bloodthirsty ways.

The first thing these Star Wars mascots do is start systematically kidnapping and executing any Imperials they can find. Speaking of executing Imps, we also see how the Ewoks discovered the weak spots in Stormtrooper armor, allowing them to spring out from the trees and fire fatal shots at troopers’ necks. These attacks served as a perfect distraction, allowing other groups of Ewoks to drop boulders onto unsuspecting targets and drive others into pits filled with sharpened stones.

When the Star Wars villains tried to sleep at night, the Ewoks would keep them awake with eerie drums in the dark. This combination of physical attacks and mental torture eventually caused the narrator to surrender to Rebels mostly because it was the quickest way to get away from the alien attackers. He says that to this day, he hasn’t been able to sleep well because he is constantly tormented by memories of the bloodthirsty Ewoks.

Somehow, we doubt this Star Wars tale will make skeptical fans suddenly become bigger fans of the Ewoks. However, it’s cool to know the franchise once went the extra mile to explain how these cuddly critters are more dangerous than they look.

Then again, we shouldn’t be surprised: considering that the Ewoks canonically eat human beings and are drumming on Stormtrooper helmets at the end of Return of the Jedi. That’s right, boys and girls: the Ewoks have been ruining the happy ending of the Original Trilogy with their cannibal shenanigans from the very beginning.