Best South Park Side Characters That We’ll Never See Again

For one brief moment, Scott Tenorman was Eric Cartman’s arch-nemesis (sorry, Kyle). After conning Cartman out of $16.12, Cartman arranges to have Tenorman’s parents murdered and ground into chili that he could then feed to him. Though this exchange happened in season 5, this South Park side character returns for episode 201, but he’s a shell of his former self after the whole “my parents were murdered and fed to me” thing that happened.

One of the most obnoxious (read: hilarious) South Park side characters has to be the Bat Dad. In season 9’s “The Losing Edge,” Stan Marsh’s father, Randy, trains for the fight of his life so he can get into game-day altercations with only the fiercest, fittest, and most insufferable sports dads. The Bat Dad is rough, tough, and can drink Randy under the table.

Luckily, Randy “didn’t hear no bell,” after taking a savage beating, and walks away victorious.

Speaking of Randy Marsh, we can’t talk about South Park side characters without briefly mentioning his stint as Lorde. In South Park canon, Randy Marsh moonlights as the young pop sensation while he’s not working as a geologist. When his cover gets blown and he has to compete with younger talent, he walks away from this persona, and leaves pop music to the pros.

The limelight was never a good thing for Randy, but he churned out a number of certified bangers during this period of his life.

Though Captain Hindsight is a South Park side character who was designed to poke fun at the 24/7 news cycle, he stopped showing his face because his gift was both a blessing and a curse. Being able to always know what went wrong without having any actual problem-solving skills is a burden that even the noblest of finger-pointers can’t handle.

In South Park’s fiction, former Vice President Al Gore (another brilliant side character we don’t see enough of ) once said, “ManBearPig doesn’t care who you are or what you’ve done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you.”

Though ManBearPig returns for a brief stint of destruction during the “Imaginationland” trilogy, and once again in season 22’s “Time to Get Cereal” and “Nobody Got Cereal?” episodes, we haven’t seen much of him since.

Speaking of Al Gore, we can’t talk about ManBearPig if we don’t bring up the man who tried to protect us from his carnage this whole time (we didn’t listen!). Though Al Gore may seem like an inconsequential South Park side character, and ManBearPig was meant to be an allegory for global warming that nobody took cereal, we were all wrong, and the citizens of South park owe their lives to Al Gore, who just wanted to keep MBP at bay.

Michael Deets is one of those South Park side characters that you may not know by his real name. But since he’s the most savage serial killer to ever rampage through the quiet mountain town, you may know him by his nickname, the Left Hand Killer. Michael Deets is a little bit Norman Bates, a little bit Hannibal Lecter, but would like for you to refer to him as “god” before he shows you an incredibly boring slide show from various outings before murdering you.

Luckily, Sgt. Harrison Yates was able to find and execute this very real menace to society after apprehending several “copycat” killers.

Do you think we’d mention the infamous Left Hand Killer without then talking about this South Park side character’s grisly fate? Ms. Crabtree was the boy’s foul-mouth bus driver for the series’ first 8 seasons before falling victim to Michael Deets’ deadly machinations.

Commenting on Crabtree’s death, Sgt. Yates lamented, “She may not have been in any recent episodes, but dammit she deserved better than this!”

Since we’re keeping things on the violent side on this South Park side character list, we might as well talk about the Woodland Critters. Like ManBearPig, we don’t see the these joyously murderous critters for a while after they’re introduced in what has gone down in history as the most messed up Christmas special ever aired on television. We see them briefly once again when they violate Kurt Russell in the “Imaginationland” trilogy, but we’ve barely heard a peep from them since.

If we ever see another Gooback in South Park continuity, then we know that they messed up the present-day timeline, causing these side characters to come back. “Gooback” was a timecist (like racist, but toward people from the future) epithet used to describe future people who traveled through time from the future to look for jobs. Once the citizens of South Park corrected their timeline to make for a better future, these side characters vanished, indicating that their plan worked.

When Officer Barbrady finds a dead end in his “who’s toilet papering all of these houses” case (it was Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Stan), he consults Josh Myers, another Hannibal Lecter type figure. Myers plays psychological games with Barbrady before escaping from Park County Juvenile Hall, where he was locked up for rolling over 600 homes in less than a year. We last saw Myers approaching the White House after making his daring escape, but don’t know his current whereabouts.

Lemmywinks is a South Park side character that has came and went since season 6, but after all he’s been through (namely Mr. Slave’s colon), it’s probably for the better that he gets limited screen time. We see him again in season 15’s “Bass to Mouth,” but at this point, the brave gerbil knows better than to show his face and go on yet another magical vision quest.

Okay, so this may be a stretch, but in the season 7 episode “Fat Butt and Pancake Head,” Cartman pretends that his left hand possessed by Jennifer Lopez. What makes this South Park side character so memorable is that we learn Jennifer Lopez is actually the alter-ego of an equally unbelievable con-man named Mitch Conner. But then it all goes to hell when we find out that Cartman was actually making it all up.

You gotta admit though, “Taco Flavored Kisses” is an absolute chart-topper.

Cartman’s dolls have been South Park staples since the series’ inception, but that all changed when they were systematically killed off by the fourth-grader when he was told to grow up. The season 15 episode, “1%” sees Cartman killing off all of his plushies, and ends with our favorite grade-school sociopath popping off several rounds into Polly Prissypants. Her spirit may live on forever, but the doll is most certainly beyond repair.

You remember Alex, right? Alex Glick? He got to come on and do the guest voice thingy.

No?

Okay. Probably for the best.