The Scariest And Naughtiest Workout Tape Ever Made, Stream Without Netflix
Most of the time, people use the phrase “it’s a product of its time” as a way of pre-emptively saying “don’t judge me for this problematic crap that I still really enjoy.” Every now and then, though, this phrase is the perfect descriptor for something uniquely of its time and place … like a weird movie that couldn’t have existed before or after its specific moment in history. A great example of this is Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, a bizarre fitness tape starring a beloved scream queen that you can stream for free on Tubi.
There’s a whole tongue-in-cheek sequence where a mysterious killer slays some helpless gals; we soon find out, of course, that the killer is Quigley trying to slash her way to a slimmer waistline.
To its credit, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout delivers on the promise of its bonkers title. Our title actor alternates between walking you through some very basic workouts and celebrating the horror genre … specifically, her own memorable films (incidentally, horror fans are likeliest to remember her for playing the frequently-naked Trash in Return of the Living Dead). In some cases, the worlds of horror and physical fitness overlap, like when Quigley is running from some hungry zombies before showing them how to work out and then killing them using her extensive genre knowledge.
It’s genuinely tough to review something like Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout because it’s truly unlike anything else (in ways both good and bad). There are no real stars other than Quigley and the collection of extras playing everything from killer creatures to cute girls trying to survive a sleepover. In short, it’s not really like any movie or TV show, and on a fundamental level, it’s not even like other workout tapes.
It will neither scare you nor help you lose weight, but it will help you celebrate the heyday of 80s horror with one of the best scream queens to ever grace the silver screen.
For example, while you can learn a few exercise basics from Quigley’s exceedingly basic techniques, her horror workout isn’t likely to burn very many calories. In fact, the most memorable “workouts” aren’t the kinds of things you can emulate at home. There’s a whole tongue-in-cheek sequence where a mysterious killer slays some helpless gals; we soon find out, of course, that the killer is Quigley trying to slash her way to a slimmer waistline (is it possible Jason has just been working on his Crystal Lake summer body all these years?).
In the bluntest terms, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is neither a great exercise tape nor a decent scary movie. Why, then, am I recommending you check it out? For one thing, this used to be a VHS obscurity that you could only watch after plunking down hundreds of dollars on eBay, so it’s cool being able to stream (for free, even) something that was once an ultra-rare collector’s item.
And even if Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout isn’t going to take your exercise game to the next level, the whole thing is on another level of infectious fun. After all, it begins with a non-explicit scene of Quigley showering before she dresses in borderline fetish-wear in front of a fireplace and starts dishing about her favorite horror films. The whole thing comes across as a hilarious parody of the spooky genre made without any malice by creators who love these shlock films as much as you do.
There’s also the performance of Quigley herself, and her willingness to poke fun at herself and the movies that made her famous makes this horror workout truly unforgettable. She’s mugging for the camera, dropping killer quips, and generally keeping the mood nice and light. Honestly, this short not-quite-film is an early example of something perfect to put on TV and just vibe out to.
In some cases, the worlds of horror and physical fitness overlap, like when Quigley is running from some hungry zombies before showing them how to work out and then killing them using her extensive genre knowledge.
As I mentioned before, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is a genuine product of its time. It came out when VHS workout tapes were ubiquitous (and gloriously unhinged), when Quigley was at the peak of her fame, and when the average consumer’s life was consumed with renting, buying, and watching movies at home. For one brief, shining moment it made perfect sense for someone to see Quigley topless in a B-movie horror film and think to themselves “wow, I’d love for her to show me how to work out.”
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All of this is to say that you have to be in the right mood to stream Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout on Tubi. It will neither scare you nor help you lose weight, but it will help you celebrate the heyday of 80s horror with one of the best scream queens to ever grace the silver screen. It’s fun, weird, and just a little bit naughty, and that will always be more fun to watch than waiting for your favorite Marvel character to say “well, that just happened” for the hundredth time.
