Jaws 3 Is The Best Comedy Never Made

Jaws 3—or Jaws 3-D as it was initially released—is famous for some of the worst special effects sequences in cinema history and not much else. Set at SeaWorld—yes, the SeaWorld—the movie takes the idea of a killer shark let loose in a theme park and somehow makes it not fun. The original idea, however, would have been to make Jaws 3 a satirical comedy that pokes fun at the original Jaws.

Jaws producers David Brown and Richard Zanuck wanted to follow up Jaws 2 with a script titled Jaws 3, People 0. The sequel would have abandoned the thriller aspect of the earlier films in favor of a spoof movie. As proof that the pair were serious about making Jaws 3 a comedy, they brought National Lampoon’s Animal House producer, Matty Simmons, aboard the project.

Simmons, in turn, hired John Hughes—yes the John Hughes—to write the script. Imagine the writer of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and The Breakfast Club writing a Jaws parody. I told you, Jaws 3 is the greatest ’80s comedy we never got.

But who could direct such an inspired bit of lunacy? How about the man who turned Gremlins 2 into a live-action Looney Tunes movie? That’s right. Joe Dante was considered to direct Jaws 3, and you know he would have made the screwball comedy to end all screwball comedies.

Jaws 3, People 0 would have followed a film crew trying to make Jaws 3 as they’re hunted down one at a time by a real great white shark. Did I mention that the shark in the fake Jaws 3 was an alien? I really wish we had gotten this movie.

Jaws 3, People 0 establishes itself as a goofy comedy right from the jump. The first scene is a shark attacking Jaws author Peter Benchley in a swimming pool. A similar scene would have seen Steven Spielberg suffer a similar fate.

Other funny gags planned for Jaws 3, People 0 included a pair of scenes spoofing the original film. One is a recreation of the beach party scene that kicks off Jaws. This time around, a bunch of Hollywood executives would be drinking on the beach instead of teens.

The other scene would be a parody of the shark autopsy scene from Jaws. Since Jaws 3, People 0 would have been an over-the-top comedy, the shark’s stomach would include several ridiculous items like a violin and a fur coat. Oh, and because it’s the Animal House guys, a baggie of the devil’s cabbage.

So why did Universal shut down this guaranteed knee-slapper of a laugh-fest? As with most lost masterpieces, Jaws 3, the comedy was derailed by a single party-pooper. It just so happened that that party-pooper was the most successful director in the world at the time.

Steven “I just made E.T. the biggest movie in history” Spielberg put the kibosh on Jaws 3, People 0, telling Universal he would never work with them again if they made the film. As a result, Zanuck and Brown nixed the idea of a Jaws 3 comedy and instead went with the cinematic miscarriage we have now.

Interestingly, that wouldn’t be the last time Spielberg threw his weight around Hollywood to get what he wanted. When the MPAA initially hit Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom (1984) with an R-rating, Spielberg reportedly told them he didn’t make R movies and made them change it. Ironically, Spielberg has made several R-rated films since then.

Unfortunately, we’ll never know if Jaws 3, People 0 would have been a comedy classic or a well-intentioned bomb. Given the pedigree of the talent involved, I’m inclined to lean towards the former. Maybe someday AI will be powerful enough to give us the version of Jaws 3 we should have gotten, but until then, we’ll just have to imagine how cool the movie would have been.