Borderlands Is The Worst Movie Of The Decade
Video game adaptations may be the hot new thing in Hollywood, but we now have a reminder that before Super Mario Bros, Fallout, and The Last of Us became hits, adaptations were usually just soulless cash grabs. After over a decade of developmental hell, Borderlands finally made it to theaters, following controversial script rewrites and a delay of an entire year to cram in reshoots. It’s also, coincidentally, over a decade since the peak popularity of the video game franchise, making this a movie for absolutely no one.
Borderlands is also, amazingly, the worst-performing mass-market movie of the year, and Madame Web came out in February, so that is truly an astonishing feat. But the absolute worst part of the movie is that it’s not even so bad; it’s good, and it’s boring.
Takes The Worst Parts Of Two Games
The film, like the video games it smashed together, takes place on the planet of Pandora, a wild, lawless ball of mud in which Vault Hunters are seeking the legendary Eridian Vault and the treasures that await inside.
Released in 2009, Borderlands made waves by combining first-person shooting with the loot drops of Diablo and a wicked sense of humor that, though leaned towards the juvenile, was unlike anything else at the time. The sequel introduced a deeper story, an incredible villain in Handsome Jack, and improved on everything the original did.
The problem is that it was in 2012, 12 years ago, and the world has changed since then.
A Movie For No One
Borderlands, the movie, brings together characters from the first and second games for a Vault hunt, but this time, there’s a prophecy that the Vault can only be opened by a “Daughter of Eridia,” which means Tina, the daughter of the Atlas Corporation CEO. Right away, this undoes the entire plot of the game, which it’s allegedly adapting.
I was surprised at quite how much I made the transition, from skags and rakks to 1:1 recreations of the vehicles, but at the same time, there’s a lot that was never explained and will only confuse viewers. For example, the word “Siren” is mentioned once with no context and all the grace of being staple gunned to page 104 of the script. Psychos are around, but there is no mention as to why they are so insane they’ll light each other on fire.
The Worst ADR Possible
The true horribleness of Borderlands can’t come across in images either, and the trailer hides it very well, but even if you didn’t know ahead of time that this movie involved years of reshoots, the amount of painfully obvious ADR makes it clear.
There are entire scenes where everyone’s dialogue was added in post-production, as it sort of matches the action on screen, but there are great pains taken to avoid showing anyone’s face while talking. As evidence as to how much was changed from the original script, no one is taking credit for writing this movie.
No One Will Admit They Wrote This Movie
Horror director Eli Roth was in the driver’s seat for Borderlands, working off a script from The Last of Us showrunner Craig Mazin, but so many changes were made that Mazin sued to have his name taken off the movie. Unable to remove themselves from this mess is the cast of Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Ariana Greenblatt.
Not only is Hart horribly miscast as Roland, but there was no purpose for Jack Black to be there as Claptrap when his voice is heavily distorted, and Curtis tries, but she leans so far into Tannith’s autism that viewers may not know that’s actually a really accurate portrayal of the incredibly awkward character. Blanchett and Greenblatt do their best, but the dialogue is both needlessly explanatory, cringy, and so filled with generic sci-fi tropes that you can finish their sentences for them.
A Movie So Bad, It Makes Borderlands 3 Look Good
REVIEW SCORE
I was rooting for this movie; after all, I own a Claptrap Funko Pop, a working Loot Crate, pins of every corporation from every one of Borderland’s corporations, and I have played every game, including Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands. If anyone were to walk in and love this film, it would be me. Instead, I found myself stunned at how I’ve seen fan films that are more exciting.
At every moment, there was a choice to be made; Eli Roth and the team made the wrong choice, which, admittedly, should have stopped at “Should we release a Borderlands movie in 2024?” and the answer is “No.”
Borderlands has no redeeming qualities and should not be seen in theaters. Even if this came out before Guardians of the Galaxy or even Suicide Squad, it would remain a boring, dull, lifeless film that found a way to further tarnish the legacy of the franchise even worse than Borderlands 3. At least the games have jokes to run into the ground.
