Sci-Fi Action Thriller Is The Worst Reviewed Film In Rotten Tomatoes History
If you’ve read any of my movie reviews over the years, you’ll notice the same startling pattern that my wife, kids, parents, and best friends have all picked up on before urging me to see a professional for extensive cognitive behavioral therapy. I like bad movies– I truly adore them because it’s so easy to criticize art, even when so many people devote their time and energy to something that’s so objectively terrible. After finally viewing 2002’s Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, I think I’ve finally hit my breaking point because this film doesn’t have a single redeeming quality I can think of (artistic, commercial, or otherwise), and I’m still not even sure what the film’s about.
I love bad movies because I admire anybody who pushes through their self-doubt to bring an idea to life. Most of us say that we can do it better, but the reality is that we can’t. However, in the case of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, I’m willing to reevaluate my stance on the matter.
As of this writing, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is ranked as the worst movie ever reviewed on Rotten Tomatoes. Not only does the film have a 0 percent critical score, it has maintained this abysmal assessment across 118 unique reviews, making it a true punisher of the senses and your sensibilities in every conceivable way.
What’s The Point?
I watched Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever once at regular speed, read the entire plot rundown on Wikipedia and IMDb, watched it a second time at 2x speed while reading along with the plot, and still don’t know what the hell’s going on in this $70 million abomination. I will probably watch it one more time just to try making sense of it before throwing my hands up and becoming a religious man because I’ve never felt this lost in my entire life, and need some sort of higher power to reel me back in so I can once again be a productive member of society.
The Alleged Plot
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever starts out somewhat coherently when we’re introduced to the film’s titular characters.
First, we’re made aware of Sever (Lucy Liu), an orphaned Chinese girl who was recruited by the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) and trained into adulthood to be a heartless yet highly skilled mercenary before eventually splintering off as a rogue operative for undisclosed reasons. Sever Kidnaps Michael Gant (Aidan Drummond), the son of DIA director, Robert Gant (Gregg Henry), for reasons also unexplained. Ex-FBI agent Jeremiah Ecks (Antonio Banderas) is asked to come out of retirement to pursue the Gant case, but has his qualms, as he left the FBI after his wife died in a car bombing.
The reason the Gant case is so important is because Robert implanted a biological weapon known as Softkill into Michael so he can smuggle the technology into the United States. How does Softkill work, you ask? Well, it’s a microscopic nanobot that can cause a heart attack or stroke at the press of a button, which is exactly the kind of thing you don’t want to put in your own child.
Peppering in its increasingly convoluted exposition in between drawn-out and budget-bloated action sequences, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever runs through most of the tired action movie tropes one would expect. Not only do both Ecks and Sever put their differences aside when they learn that they’re fighting against a common enemy, they’re both also haunted by their pasts, and the clock is ticking so they can save the day from certain destruction, but only after unloading an unthinkable amount of rounds into their opposition while always narrowly escaping death relatively unscathed.
I Award You No Points, And May God Have Mercy On Your Soul
GFR SCORE
After watching Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, I immediately called my friend who recommended that I watch it in the first place. For a second, I actually thought that Softkill was implanted into my spine while I was sleeping, and that I was experiencing a stroke while subjecting myself to 91 minutes of agony after someone triggered the killswitch. After a lengthy heart-to-heart conversation where I broke down sobbing, I was told, to my relief, that my experience wasn’t a “me” problem, but rather the result of finding, and trying to make sense of, the actual worst movie ever made.
While I’m still wondering if the smell of burnt toast will eventually creep up on me, rendering me immobile and in hospice care, I’m relieved to know that I can finally start healing after watching Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever.
If you want to have an existential crisis like no other while watching a migraine-inducing amount of explosions take over your sense of being, you can rent the title on-demand through Prime Video (availability contingent on location), or Google Play as of this writing.
