The R-Rated Gonzo Horror Blockbuster We Still Can’t Believe Is Real
There’s a movie that exists that suggests Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter, and it’s aptly titled Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. In this completely unhinged work of historical fiction, the 16th U.S. President arms himself with a silver axe and lays waste to scores of undead blood-suckers that are threatening the nation’s sovereignty.
While this movie has no right to exist, it’s so funny to me because it’s not meant to be a comedy, but rather an action horror film that plays it straight.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
There are no setups or punchlines in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, but it’s so tongue-in-cheek with its premise that you’re just supposed to sit back and enjoy the show.
Critics don’t seem to agree with me because they suggest that this film has an identity crisis; the premise is silly but the acting and action is serious.
But if you can read between the lines and appreciate the kind of story this film is trying to tell, you’ll thoroughly enjoy yourself.
A Classic Revenge Story
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is a classic revenge story using the American Civil War as its narrative vehicle.
When a young Abraham Lincoln (Lux Haney-Jardine) witnesses his mother (Robin McLeavy) get killed by a plantation owner named Jack Barts (Marton Csokas), he knows that one day he’ll have to settle the score.
Nine years later, an older and somewhat wiser Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) meets a man named Henry Sturges (Dominic Cooper) after a failed attempt to assassinate Barts, who is clearly a vampire.
Assassinating Vampires
Through a series of intense montage sequences, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter shows us just how hellbent on revenge its titular hero truly is.
Arming himself with a silver axe that he most certainly intends on grinding into the faces of the vampires who cross his path, Lincoln makes an agreement with Sturges.
Whenever Lincoln receives correspondence from Sturges, he follows the latter’s instructions and assassinates whatever vampire is named in the letter.
Fighting For The Greater Good
By the time Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter approaches its second act, we learn what’s really at stake, as the Civil War is well underway, and Lincoln vows to abolish slavery.
Though Sturges warns Lincoln that the slave trade is somewhat responsible for keeping a widespread vampire outbreak at bay, Lincoln fights for the better good and uses whatever resources he has at his disposal to be on the right side of history.
Bad CGI But Great Choreography
Though the use of CGI in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is gratuitously overused, I’m okay with it because the fight sequences in this film have amazing choreography.
The only thing I found unbelievable in this film is how Lincoln is able to get a full-grown horse thrown at him while he’s riding a horse himself without sustaining any significant injuries.
Given the film’s premise, and the fact that I voluntarily watched it, I don’t think I’m in a position to criticize anything at this point.
Streaming Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
REVIEW SCORE
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is a wild ride through history as director Timur Bekambetov and writer Seth Grahame-Smith imagine it.
There’s nothing realistic about this movie, and it’s the kind of revisionist history that any horror fan will celebrate because of the inherently stupid story that it tells.
If you want to see Abraham Lincoln exercise his executive power against legions of day-walking vampires, you can watch Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter on-demand through Apple TV+, Google Play, YouTube, and Amazon Prime Video.
