90s Military Comedy For Kids Is Wrong On Every Level, Stream Without Netflix

Major Payne is basically a slap-stick comedy version of the boot camp scenes from Full Metal Jacket … for kids. Damon Wayans fully commits to his role as Major Benson Winifred Payne, a ruthless killing machine who served multiple tours of duty before being assigned to work with a group of juvenile delinquent JROTC students at the Madison Preparatory School in Virginia. Hardened by his past-life as a high-ranking member of the military with an unheard of kill count, Payne immediately butts heads with the goof troop he’s now commanding over, but only before shaving them all bald for insubordination and threatening them with live grenades.

When the school’s counselor, Emily Walburn (Karyn Parsons), becomes aware of Payne’s unorthodox and demoralizing approach to training kids for the upcoming Virginia Military Games, she tries to convince him to approach the troubled youths with a little more grace and tact.

Instead, Major Payne continues to rule with an iron fist, which leads teenager Cadet Alex J. Stone (Steven Martini) to encourage the rest of his squad to antagonize Payne every chance they get. Childish pranks like frosting Payne’s cupcake with an extremely strong laxative, and attempting to take incriminating photos of Cadet Heathcoat (R. Stephen Wiles) in the commanding officer’s bed while he’s sleeping are hilariously foiled, as Payne is always one step ahead of his subordinates.

Fortunately for the troubled kids, Payne’s persona becomes softened as he slowly realizes he’s developing romantic feelings for Walburn, leading him to change his approach to win her affection.

Breaking the plot to Major Payne down to its most basic elements, we’re left with a very predictable film, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing in this case. Knowing the beats of this simple kind of story allows you to just sit back and see how many jokes can be squeezed into every single minute of the film, and Damon Wayans is absolutely relentless in delivering his mean-spirited jabs toward the undisciplined children who are subjected to his tyranny. There’s just something so satisfying about watching a grown and emotionally stunted man say things like “I’m gonna put my foot so far up your *ss, the water on my knee will quench your thirst” to an unruly kid.

As you would expect, a movie like Major Payne that glorifies being incredibly mean to children was not well-received by critics, resulting in an abysmal 29 percent critical score on Rotten Tomatoes. People like me, who grew up in the 90s watching movies on Comedy Central, see the film more favorably, which is why the audience score on the review aggregation site currently sits at a much more favorable 68 percent approval rating. Ironically enough, Roger Ebert sang his praises, and gave Major Payne a three-out-of-four star rating because of Wayan’s willingness to fully commit to the bit.

I have to agree with Ebert’s assessment because over-the-top comedies like Major Payne fail to stick the landing if the lead actor isn’t all-in on the ridiculousness. Damon Wayans, as obnoxious as he is in this film, does exactly what he’s supposed to do, and never once stops chasing the humor that other comedic actors would shy away from.

GFR SCORE

At the end of the day, Major Payne is a hilarious parody of military films like Full Metal Jacket, and through its inherent inappropriateness makes for a solid viewing experience. Though I was a 7-year-old when this movie first came out and rocked my world, I’m going to wait until my kids age into double-digits before exposing them to this kind of comedy … not because I don’t think they can handle it, but because, like me, they quote whatever they see or hear on TV in public and I’m not yet ready to deal with the fallout.

As of this writing, you can stream Major Payne for free on Tubi, and it should be the next title you queue up if you just want to laugh your face off at the things that come out of Damon Wayan’s mouth.