80s Martial Arts Trainwreck Being Kept Off Streaming
What do you get when you combine the grace and elegance of gymnastics with the discipline and precision of karate? There’s only one correct answer to this question, and it’s 1985’s Gymkata – one of the most unintentionally hilarious martial arts films you’ll ever see. I know it may sound like I’m speaking in hyperbole, but I’ve seen every single late-in-career Steven Seagal movie that the Walmart bargain bin has to offer, so I consider myself an expert in unintentional comedy; a title that has ruined my life because I’ve watched so many movies ironically that I sincerely don’t even know what I actually like anymore.
Gymkata may not be available through any streaming subscription service, but it’s available through on-demand purchases. That’s right, for the price of a Happy Meal you can watch this trainwreck of storytelling, fighting, romance, and strategically placed gymnastic equipment in the darkness of your living room if you’re ready to lose a couple of IQ points.
The Terrible Game
Based on the 1957 Dan Tyler Moore Jr.-written pulp novel, The Terrible Game, Gymkata is a mess of a movie that’s impossible to look away from. Featuring the acrobatic maneuvers of Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas taking the lead as Special Intelligence Agency (SIA) contractor Jonathan Cabot, I’ve got to admit that a number of the fight sequences are well-choreographed and will hold your attention. But like most fighting movies that star somebody who’s an athlete first and an actor second, the storytelling falls apart in favor of stunts and beatdowns while most of its dialogue and exposition seems like an afterthought.
Centering on an unforgiving athletic competition known as “the Game,” Gymkata attempts to cobble together a story about international relations with the fictional country of Parmistan. Jonathan is approached by the SIA to participate in the Game, a 900-year tradition that has never had a winner. Those who win the Game are not only allowed to live, but are also granted one wish upon completing the competition, which is a convoluted survival-of-the-fittest kind of race with no clear rules as far as I can tell.
The Wish
Like most action movies set in the ‘80s, the threat of nuclear war is the driving force behind Jonathan’s participation in the Game. Working under the SIA’s directives, Jonathan is tasked with winning the very game that claimed his father’s life so he can wish for the US to install a satellite monitoring system in Parmistan that functions as an early warning system for any possible future nuclear attacks.
Training under the guidance of an Eastern trainer (Tadashi Yamashita) and a Parmistan princess named Princess Rubali (Tetchie Abayani), Jonathan develops Gymkata, an unconventional fighting method that combines gymnastics and karate so he can have a competitive edge during the upcoming Game.
If you thought that there’d be punching bags and long-jumps involved during the training montage, you’re gravely mistaken. Most of Jonathan’s training involves being told to listen to the wind while he’s forced to climb stairs with his hands for some reason. While I can’t say this is a conventional way to prepare for a life-of-death kind of competition, I can’t argue with the results after watching Gymkata.
How Convenient!
I could get into Gymkata’s convoluted plot about the coup that’s being organized by the King of Parmistan’s right-hand man, Commander Zamir (Richard Norton), to overthrow the government by changing the rules of the Game to ensure nobody wins, but all you really need to know is that the rules get broken, and it’s up to Jonathan to survive and win so he could get his one wish granted for the sake of national security.
And how does Jonathan fight off the various henchmen and Parmistan warriors, you ask?
Fortunately for Jonathan, when he gets chased into a dark alley that leads to what one would think is certain death, there just so happens to be a high bar for him to flip, spin, and kick his way out of trouble. I was first worried for Jonathan’s safety when he finds himself surrounded by a bunch of terrorists and warriors in the town square, but those worries were soon wiped from my nerve-wracked brain upon the discovery of a conveniently placed pommel horse where Jonathan could also flip, spin, and kick his way out of trouble.
Functioning primarily as a means to showcase Kurt Thomas’ gymnastic and martial arts skills, every single trap or ambush in Gymkata has commendable choreography, but are placed throughout the film in a way that makes very little sense while being a whole lot of fun to look at.
Watching Gymkata
GFR SCORE
Gymkata has most certainly earned its keep as a cult-classic, and is definitely a film worth seeking out for its inherent entertainment value. The story arc (or lack thereof) may leave a lot to be desired, but between the Game’s competitors being violently tossed off of cliffs and splatting loudly on the rocks below, Jonathan’s unique and confusing form of mixed martial arts fighting, and his means of flirting with Princess Rubali through the execution of various flips and gyrations, you’ll be left awestruck and dumbfounded the next time you need to turn your mind off and just let Gymkata happen to you.
If you want to see Gymkata for yourself, it’s available on-demand through Google Play Movies, Apple TV+, Fandango at Home, and Amazon Prime Video. And if you further want to supplement your viewing experience, you can also check out the RiffTrax version if you want to bust a gut laughing at the commentary.
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