Hulu Sci-Fi Horror Crossover Could’ve Been So Much More
Sometimes every critic and fan trashes a movie so you avoid it for decades and when you’re finally bored enough to give it a chance, you wind up liking it and wondering why everyone else hated it. Let me assure you that 2004’s Alien vs Predator is not that movie. Trust the critics, trust the nerd-raging fans—somewhere there is a current or former employee of the Cincinnati Zoo who occasionally doubts their self worth and solves their inner conflict by thinking, “yes, I shot and killed the gorilla Harambe… but at least I had nothing to do with the production of Alien vs Predator.”
The Premise
Early in Alien vs Predator, Under the direction of the dying Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen), Weyland Industries discovers a subterranean pyramid in Antarctica.
Somehow looking forward eight years to the prequel Prometheus which sees the same company rounding up a large group of remarkably stupid scientists, Weyland thinks, “we can do better,” and gathers an even larger group of even dumber scientists, drillers, and miscellaneous cannon fodder.
It’s possible these guys could go in the pyramid and leave safely if they hadn’t decided to set off every trap they could, but they don’t. It turns out the pyramid is a big laser tag playground for the predators who store a Xenomorph Queen in the thing.
They occasionally thaw her out to stir up facehugger production, trick humans into the pyramid so the facehuggers have faces to hug, and the resulting Xenomorphs become Predator game. Presto, the stage for Alien vs Predator is set.
Alien Vs Predator Doesn’t Have A Lot Of Alien Vs Predator
Now you night understandably be thinking you don’t care what I have to say about story or acting—if you watch Alien vs Predator it’s going to be for the mindless fun of seeing Xenomorphs and Predators clashing.
Fair enough! But that’s one of the biggest problems.
Alien vs Predator is 100 minutes long and you do not get to see these two sci-fi horror icons clash until around the 53 minute mark—over halfway into the film.
While some of their clashes are admittedly pretty cool—most notably the climactic battle with the Xenomorph Queen with no forklift mechs in sight to help—there is one thing about them that stands out, and not in a good way.
The Predators Might Be Dumber Than The Scientists
Part of the backstory of Alien vs Predator is that the two have been fighting for millennia, at the very least. Ancient humans worshipped the Predators and offered themselves as sacrifices to birth the Xenomorphs the Predators would hunt. So these guys should know more about Xenomorphs than anyone.
And yet in almost every Alien vs Predator fight between Xenomorph and crab-faced hunter, the latter depend almost solely on melee weapons.
Remember how Xenomorphs have acid for blood, so killing them can be just as fatal for the killer as it is for the alien? And, you know, this would make you think you would want to be as far from the Xenomorphs as possible when you kill them?
Well the hunters who have been hunting the Xenomorphs for thousands of years, you would assume, would be aware of this.
Yet in most fights they use only their melee weapons to attack the Xenomorphs, and in at least one case express actual surprise when their stupid weapons melt.
The Human Element
Watching Alien vs Predator, I was reminded of what a lot of fans and critics said about what Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire did right. Even those who didn’t love the latest MonsterVerse film tended to praise it for focusing more on the monsters everyone came to see, and less on the human characters.
If there are any future Alien vs Predator installments, this is a lesson the potential filmmakers should learn. The large cast of mostly unknown actors offers little more than exposition, and introducing them all, getting them to the pyramid, and having them do the dumb stuff that gets most of them killed is a large part of why it takes almost an hour for the two alien beasties to remember they’re supposed to be fighting each other.
More frustratingly, it isn’t like the human element of Alien vs Predator offers any real drama or relatability. Most of the human characters are nameless victims, and almost all of the rest enjoy a short scene or two for you to get to know them before they’re abruptly snuffed.
Stream It Now, If You Think I’m A Horrible Liar
GFR SCORE
If you want to watch Alien vs Predator, it’s streaming on Hulu. You could spend that time doing almost anything else, though, and it would be more fulfilling. Find a Transformers subreddit and start arguments about how the GoBots are better. Spam DM Jamie Lee Curtis with “what was that you said about Marvel movies?” with a link to pretty much any review of Borderlands. Or just punch yourself in the face with a toaster. Anything else, really.
