Cookie Monster Is Terrorizing One City And Police Are Warning Citizens
A Santa Cruz man named Adam Sandler (no, not that one) has been dressing in a "creepy" Cookie Monster costume and allegedly harassing residents.
We live in an era of dark Hollywood remakes of beloved childhood things, including the delightful insanity of the recent Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey. But it’s starting to look like all this media focus on making innocent things scary is beginning to rub off on the crazier members of the population. Case in point: Sky News reports that a man has been dressing in a “creepy” Cookie Monster costume and terrorizing the residents of Santa Cruz.
If that weird bit of news doesn’t make you think we’re living in a simulation that is starting to break down, this next part will. Authorities have revealed the identity of the man under the suit: Adam Sandler. Sadly, he has no relation to the actor, although if this were what the award-winning funnyman was doing with his life instead of releasing more awful films like Hubie Halloween, we’d say he should keep chasing those chocolate chip dreams as the Santa Cruz Cookie Monster.
But what has this creepy Cookie Monster been doing that has everyone on edge? Basically, he goes up to families while in costume and then tries to get parents to pay for their children posing with the manic Muppet. Honestly, the most surreal thing about all of this is learning that even Sesame Street has been unable to escape the grasp of hustle culture (maybe Anne Hathaway can deliver them from this evil).
At this point, you may be asking a good question: why are the local police simply warning us about the Cookie Monster instead of, you know, arresting him? As it turns out, the mysterious man dressed in blue has not yet committed any crimes in Santa Cruz. Nonetheless, police say that he has a history of both “unpredictable vulgar comments and troublesome behavior,” which is enough to make the authorities warn parents about letting this man anywhere near their children.
In other words, whether he is a criminal mastermind or doing this completely by accident, this ersatz Cookie Monster has found the sweet spot where he is weirding out the locals and the police force without doing anything actionable so that they can arrest him. Despite not doing any overt criminal behavior, though, police report that numerous residents have contacted them about how Sandler’s behavior is “creepy” and makes them deeply uncomfortable. No word, though, on whether police figured out right away that these calls and emails were from locals worried about a runaway Cookie Monster and not just people upset by the ending of Uncut Gems.
Right now, the police are encouraging everyone to report any criminal behavior that they see at once, but so far, it looks like the Cookie Monster has continued to successfully ride the line between being a creep and being a criminal. It’s not hard to see why the costume freaks people out: with its mouth leering open and the eyeballs so wide, this looks like what would happen if Jim Henson had let Junju Ito design the Cookie Monster. And should the real Cookie ever go rogue, we only hope Big Bird unleashes his neurotic Nosferatu, The Count, pitting monster against monster and finally ending the blue beast’s reign of diabetic destruction.
